Dysthymia

Well. It's been nearly a year since my last post. I feel so sad when I look over this blog. It started so well. And then. Life. (What more would you expect considering the title, right?)

But I also feel like I have been neglecting a part of me. Writing is a really big part of who I am. And the past few years, I have done very little of it.

Last week I met with a psychiatrist. After years of trying to get a grip on my depression, I was given an official diagnosis: dysthymia.

Dysthymia is chronic, low-level depression. Previously known as Depressive Personality Disorder, it can completely take over your sense of self. I am an angry person. I am a sad person. I am a irritable person. I am an unlikable person. I am a lazy person.

NO. My name is Mallory Thalman, and I am a wonderful person. I am a funny person. I am a happy person. I am a creative person. I am a reliable person. I am a strong person. I am a great person. I suffer from a mental disorder that tries its darndest to squash the real me, but it does not define me.

Now that I am under the care of a specialist, things should get better.

Part of my self-directed therapy is to write more. Next month I will be participating in NaNoWriMo, during which I will write a 50,000+ word novel. Of course, that means that my blog is not getting revived like I know you all are hoping for. (right! right?!) But I think it will really help me as a person, a mother, a wife, a friend.

But guess what my novel for next month is going to be? The Mother's Lamentations!

Yep! I am going to be writing new stories (only slightly exaggerated) of my life into a novel. And maybe....just maybe....I'll actually get it published.

I'm excited! And it may be my Wellbutrin. But that's ok.

To never be hungry

I think I made a painful parenting error last night. Not one that I can joke about. But one that breaks my heart, brings me to tears, and has created an emotional wound of sadness in my sweet 5 year old.  

It all started with my immense frustration with Benji for not eating dinner. He almost never eats dinner. Night after night he tells me that he doesn't like whatever I have cooked. Then he goes to bed hungry.

I had finally had enough.

"You HAVE to eat, Benjamin! Your body needs food for you to be healthy!"

We argued for a bit, then in my frustration, I called him to me so I could show him pictures of what happens when you don't eat food.

Dramatic. I know.

I showed him heartbreaking pictures of skeletal children with bloated bellies. My voice cracked as I told him, "This boy doesn't have food to eat. His family can't afford enough food, so his body is very sick."

Benji asked me question after question about why the starving people looked the way they did. I answered honestly, my chest tight with regret. Regret for not being able to help these hungry people. Regret for presenting this mature topic to such a young child. Regret that some of the pictures we saw were of children even younger than Benji.

This is serious stuff. It is so cliché to tempt a child to eat his dinner by talking about children starving in some remote location. Like that even helps. But I took it one step further with the pictures.

Benji started crying.

"I don't want to be like that."

My heart. I pulled him into a hug, "I promise you will never be like that. I promise we will always have food to keep you healthy. You just have to eat it."

To a 5 year old, full of trust, that is a reassuring promise. To me, it broke my heart even more, because I was so painfully aware of our privilege. We will never be so hungry that our bodies wither away.

I helped Benji eat his dinner. Afterward, he lifted up his shirt to show me his full belly; his body lean, yet healthy.

And as I tucked him into bed, he asked me to comfort him with a prayer. Those sickly bodies were weighing heavily on his mind, and well as mine.

Such a serious topic for a young child. Did I do the wrong thing? Exposing him to such horrors? Will it help him take better care of his body? Or will he develop body image or diet issues because of it? Will it teach him compassion? Or fear?

My heart.

Placenta

It's been nearly four weeks since Jedi was born. My goodness, how the time flies. Of course, it helps when there is a lot going on: family in town, Mother's Day celebrations, more family in town, Bug's birthday party (that we had two weeks late), Memorial day, and Hubby's birthday (today).

May is SUCH a busy month. But, I am proud to say that I have (mostly) kept it together! I have only cried a couple of times since the birth. Which is a significant improvement on how often I cried during pregnancy! I think I can give credit to my placenta capsules (lovingly called 'placenta pills' in our home). Yep, I am officially one of -those- ladies that eats her placenta! And now I'm going to tell you how I prepared it (sparing you pictures, because I didn't get any. You're welcome.)

After the cord was cut, I briefly examined the placenta for completeness, then it was plopped into a Tupperware with a lid and put into the fridge. I wasn't sure when I would get to it, so it needed to be treated like any other piece of meat for planned consumption. I was able to prepare the placenta that evening. I prepared the placenta using the raw method, rather than the Traditional Chinese medicine method, which steams the placenta prior to dehydrating.

First, I placed the placenta in a colander in the sink. I then spent at least fifteen minutes rinsing the dang thing. I removed as many blood clots as I could (many of them were between the size of a large grape and a small lime). On the baby side, the placenta is smooth (covered by the membranes) and has beautiful, visible veins that form what is referred to as the 'tree of life'. I used a sharp knife to pierce the veins, so I could remove the clotted blood from those as well.

I then moved the placenta to a cutting board and used the sharp knife to cut away the majority of the membranes and the cord. Then I sliced the placenta into very thin strips (like jerky). This was somewhat difficult, as the placenta is both tough and jiggly. The maternal side is lumpy looking, rough yet soft and somewhat gritty (I believe this depends on age and calcification of the placenta). It compares more to organ meat than muscle meat...which makes perfect sense, because the placenta is an organ, not a muscle! I learned after the fact that it would have been easier to use meat scissors to do all that work. However, I was able to slice the placenta completely using the knife, and place all the strips on trays of our dehydrator.

Once the strips were all placed, I turned on the dehydrator and let it do its work. The house smelled like very warm (cooking?) birth, which didn't bother me, and I heard no complaints from anyone else.

Approximately 12 hours later, the placenta was thoroughly dry. (I determined 'thoroughly dry' as being dry enough to snap a slice in half easily.) The slices looked like petrified smears of meconium, but I went ahead and put them in our blender. We have a cheap blender, but pulsing it on grate worked well...although it was noisy, it only took a few minutes. I assume a fancy food processor would do an even better job!

Once I had my placenta turned into a powder, I was able to fill my capsules. I had ordered an encapsulator that would fill 24 capsules at one time, and size 00 capsules. Separate capsules, place into appropriate side of encapsulator, pour in placenta dust, scrape to fill, tamp down, add more powder, level off, push on capsule tops, push out completed capsules. Repeat.

I was able to fill 124 capsules. I didn't have a glass jar or anything fancy to store them in, so I put them in a freezer ziplock bag. I also actually keep them in the freezer. Although this isn't necessary (unless you plan to preserve the capsules for use years down the road), I figured it wouldn't hurt. Especially since I am only storing mine in a plastic bag!

For the first couple of days, I didn't know how many capsules a day I should have been taking. After a bit more research, I found that for my size capsules, I should be taking about 6 a day for the first two weeks, then as many as I wanted thereafter. I recently have moved to 4 a day (and they will only last me one more week at that rate...sad face).

I feel like they have been very beneficial. The Hubs has even said he wants me to encapsulate and consume the placenta with all future births! (And he was really squeamish about the whole thing before!) My mood has definitely been improved...especially noticeable has been the lack of breakdowns and tears typically present in the early postpartum period. I also feel like my engorgement didn't last as long as it has before. And I believe my lochia has been tapering off more quickly.

Of course, this is my personal, anecdotal experience. I would encourage you to do your own research on placentophagy. At first I thought it was weird. Then I though I might like to try it. Then I thought I would do it, but keep it on the down low, so as to not squick anyone out. But now, I have actually done it, and I'll talk about it with no reservations! So there you go!

I ate my placenta (well, almost...I still have a few capsules left!) and I am proud of it!

Simple (and exciting) updates...and a rant about announcing pregnancy

The entertainment factor in my family has been at a peak during the past few days. Bug's developing speech (which, for a while there, I thought he would never be able to speak in complete sentences) has been creating moments of laughter for months now. I wish there was some way to capture and share every little thing that he says (and also the manner in which he says them). But, I'm afraid there really is no way to really share my own personal show of "Bug says the darnedest things!"

Gizmo has also started testing out his vocal abilities. Mostly to yell "no" at everybody, and to say "Meeeeee!" when he wants something. (He also says crazy stuff like, "vitamin" and...uhm...ok, maybe that is the biggest, most crazy word in his vocabulary right now.) Gizmo also likes to wander around the house singing his own little made up song, "Hap-py. Hap-py. Hap-py. Happy! Happy!! Happy!!!" It's very adorable. (Until he escalates into a demonic, screeching form of the same song. Then it sounds like something from a horror movie.)

This week, we have been able to have the Hubby home from work (until Friday), thanks to Labor Day on Monday, and then DNC is in Charlotte this year for the rest of the week. (For security reasons, especially since the Hubs works so close to the convention center, a lot of people have been asked to work from home.) I have a suspicion, though, that the Hubby isn't really cut out for working from home. You know, with all the noise and chaos going on with two young hooligans. I finally asked if he would mind shutting himself up in our room to get his work done, so he didn't ruin our fun down in the living room. Maybe he'll gain a bit more appreciation to the crazy that I am, now that he knows the conditions I find myself in every day!! (Or maybe not, it's just as likely that he'll be more solidly convinced that we have awful, rotten children...but it's nice to think about!)

 In other news, I am pleased to announce that I am expecting our third child this coming May! It's been a long time coming, as we have been trying to have another baby for over six months! Perhaps I need to readjust my expectations about -when- my body is ready and able to have another baby. You may recall (depending on how long you have been reading my blog) a post I wrote and posted around the time I found out I was pregnant with Gizmo: Hope during Infertility. I'm not really sure if I have ever really and truly qualified as being "infertile", but having a strong desire to have another baby, and not being able to actually achieve that, can be very disheartening. It is especially discouraging when you are charting your cycles, and you can clearly see that you are ovulating, but things just aren't working.

I am obviously very early in my pregnancy still. And I have not hesitated to share my news with anyone. Because of that, I have received some questioning comments (that bordered on ridicule) about why I have shared the news already. My younger sister asked me, "Don't most women wait until about 12 weeks to tell people that they are pregnant?" Yes, that is true. Most women wait, because miscarriage is most likely in the first trimester. And I guess they don't want to share news of a pregnancy and then also a miscarriage.

However, I find that reasoning interesting and sad. Most women have a network, however small or large, of friends and family (other women) that are willing to offer love and support during both emotional highs and lows. That is the nature of humans...we have other humans to offer social support. Discovering a pregnancy is (usually) an emotional high. It brings excitement, and a desire to share the news! A miscarriage is an emotional low. It often brings a desire to retreat and mourn. But if we have a friend in mourning, don't we want to offer help, love, support, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a loaf of bread? How can we receive social support in our trials (such as miscarriage), if we don't let our friends know. And in the case of miscarriage, it makes sense to let our friends know that we were first pregnant! (Unless, of course, you would prefer to have privacy to grieve during the event of a miscarriage. In which case, it makes sense to wait the socially acceptable 12 or so weeks.)

Another sentiment I have perceived is that there is a time that is "too early" to tell people about a pregnancy. Which I don't understand at all. Is there ever a time (past a known conception) when you are not pregnant enough? Of course not! And women find out about their pregnancies at all different times. Most over the counter pregnancies tests can detect a pregnancy around 14 days past ovulation, which is usually the earliest a pregnancy can be detected (by urine pregnancy tests). According to a 40 week pregnancy, a woman 14 days past ovulation is 4 weeks pregnant. But she is only two weeks conceived. If a woman is charting her cycles, and knows her usually luteal phase, she could detect a pregnancy by that alone. And depending on how long her cycles normally are, and according to her last menstrual cycle, a doctor may estimate her pregnancy to be farther (or not as far) along than she really is. For myself, announcing a baby due in May, could indicate I am anywhere from not even pregnant yet (which would mean I would have no pregnancy to announce), to nearly 7 weeks (according to the standard 40 week pregnancy) depending on when exactly my due date is in the month of May, as well as the other factors that I have mentioned.

A woman should be able to announce a pregnancy whenever it makes her feel comfortable, without any social stigma attached to the announcement. She should be able to announce a miscarriage without feeling ashamed, and she should have the support she needs to recover from her grief. And she shouldn't feel the need to justify her due date, or share intimate details about her pregnancy (including how far along in her pregnancy she is), unless she wants to share those things. Pregnancy is exciting, and if you have a hard time feeling excited for the pregnant woman....then ignore the announcement! (/rant)

No Promises

It seems that I have fallen...hard...off the blogging bandwagon! I have no promises that I will be jumping back on with this post. But today I feel at least a little bit motivated to share bits and pieces from my life over the past 5 months. (I have still been reading the blogs that I love, via Google Reader on my tablet. That means that I haven't been able to comment, but I have been there!)

About two weeks after we moved to Charlotte, my genetic predisposition to depression kicked in and started making my life pretty miserable. I was so excited to live in a new place. To be able to establish my identity with my new family (far enough from parents and people who have known me since I was "yea high"). The weather was warm and beautiful. There was (still is) green everywhere...even more than I was used to back in Ohio.

But, I felt like I was having trouble making friends. I missed my family. I missed my grocery stores. I didn't know the roads. I got frustrated with the kids (who weren't handling the move very well). I got frustrated with my husband (who wasn't handling the move very well). And I realized maybe I wasn't handling the move very well.

I am too stubborn though, and I tried to just push through. I gained at least 10 pounds. I wore my throat out almost daily, yelling at the kids. I cried....a lot. I argued with my husband. My depression manifested as anger and irritability. (You know, in addition to poor eating habits, poor sleeping habits, unexplained crying, lack of motivation to do things like exercise/shower/brush teeth). I was in a bad place.

Finally, last month, I put down my foot and let the Hubby know that something needed to be done....before I did serious damage to myself or my family. (Of course, I just wanted the quickest med to fix my problem.) My wonderful husband, however, knew that his hippie of a wife would not want to be on medication, and started looking for an alternative. He quickly found a homeopathic doctor, scheduled an appointment for me, and took the day off work to accompany me to the appointment.

The doctor was great. She was cheerful and asked very thorough questions to be able to understand my depression. She gave me a homeopathic remedy and gave me some supplements to take, in addition to the vitamins I was already taking. Every morning, I take my remedy (lycopodium). With breakfast, I take a women's multi vitamin, EFA oil, Emergen-C, and 100mg of 5-htp. I take more 5-htp with lunch. And with dinner I take a B-complex and another 5-htp. If I am feeling pretty good, I skip my lunch dose.

Surprisingly, I noticed within a week that things were improving. I felt like myself again. I had more patience with my kids. More love for my husband. And a more positive outlook on all of my previous problems! I did notice though, that my routine only turns me into a normal person. It isn't a miracle "happy all the time" thing. And I am still subject to normal emotions (including mood swings, although much less frequently), especially during my normal PMS week. But being a normal person is a significant improvement on being a mopey, miserable, depressed person! I have started watching my calorie intake and exercising frequently (although the scale hasn't given me any encouragement). And I have even pulled out some of my crafts that I used to love working on.

Over the past 5 months (since I last wrote on this blog), I have attended the wedding of one of my younger sisters. Celebrated Bug's 4th birthday. Celebrated Hubby's 27th birthday. Caught a lizard on my porch, and used it to teach Bug and Gizmo about reptiles. Cleaned up about a million messes (mostly courtesy of Gizmo...our resident Lord of Chaos). Gently encouraged Bug that he should let his "ahhhh...soooo cuuuute" spider live outside. Cleaned and bleached after our downstairs toilet flooded the bathroom, laundry room, pantry and half the kitchen. Received a nasty note from an anonymous neighbor about how our property is an "eyesore". Revamped the outside of our house (that we are only renting, by the way). Took Bug and Gizmo to visit family in Ohio for a week, all by myself (worst vacation ever). Talked to Bug about why he cannot put Gizmo in the garbage, just because Gizmo can be mean. Listened to a million hilariously mispronounced words (courtesy of Bug). Gained a nephew (the first on my side of the family....I seriously cannot wait to meet him in a few weeks). Listened to Bug sing a goodnight some to Gizmo: "I love you, Gizmo. I don't want to put you in the garbage. Sorry for saying that last night. I love you, Gizmo. Goodnight." Avoided cleaning our mess of a house a million times...and then actually cleaned it about half a million times. Had a million sleepless nights (courtesy of Gizmo, our resident Lord of Poor Sleeping Habits). Weaned Gizmo from nursing. Got on a supplement routine to treat my depression. Went to the beach for a single day (and got gloriously sunburned). Discovered Adele. Celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. Celebrated Gizmo's 2nd birthday. Dealt with jealous envy of every pregnant woman in the world. Found a lost snuggle bear, which was received with a very heartwarming "thank you, mommy. I love you!" And cleaned a million more messes. 

(Thank you, FB timeline, for helping me remember all the stuff I've been doing lately!)

I know this post is a bit long and....erm....depressing-ish. And lacking the normal humor of my regular posts. But, maybe.....juuuuust maybe....I will start sharing stories again. Maybe. No promises!

Please Research: Postpartum Depression

She may seem completely normal to you. But inside, she's broken. Confused. Angry. Scared. Sad. Tired.

She has no motivation. She exhausts herself trying to get her daily chores done. She has trouble interacting with her kids as often as she knows she should. She knows her husband is sorely neglected. She can't form complete sentences. She feels that she has no friends. She can't sleep, even though that is all she wants to do. She gets angry about even the smallest of things. She often doesn't feel like cooking good food and sometimes doesn't want to eat at all. She feels guilty that she isn't well. She feels like she should be able to shake it off, but she can't. She has zero desire for physical affection. She doesn't show much interest, or take much time to enjoy, the things that she used to do all the time. She has headaches and body aches and heart aches. She's unhappy with the way she looks. And even more unhappy with the way she feels.

Sometimes she has good days. Days where she is happy and productive. But other days, she cries.

This is the life of a woman who suffers from Postpartum Depression (PPD).

PPD can happen to any woman. It can happen a couple weeks after the baby is born, or it can happen months after the baby is born (sometimes depression comes even a year after baby). And if it happens to you, don't feel as if you should have been able to prevent it. That will often make it feel worse.

Instead, start doing things that will make it better. This is definitely easier said than done, because those who have PPD have a hard time finding the motivation to -do- the things to help...even if they desperately want to get better.

First, you should tell someone, that you love and trust, how you feel. You NEED someone to be your anchor to reality. Ideally, this should be your husband. Make sure he doesn't go into "Mr. Fix-It" mode, though. Tell him that you need him as a sounding board. And help him know what ways you are comfortable with him helping (i.e. doing the dishes, making dinner, changing poopy diapers, practicing healthy living with you). You can also have your mother, sister, or a close friend be your anchor. Women, especially mothers, can often relate. They may have even suffered from PPD themselves. It might be hard to tell someone that you are depressed. It might make you feel ashamed or embarrassed. But once you feel like you don't have to hide your feelings any more, it will be easier to find ways to alleviate them.

Now you need to start figuring out how to feel better. This may seem like an impossible task. But pick something that you think seems easiest, and put your energy into doing it. It might help you find the energy to pick another thing off the list. Then another. And another. Until you find that you are back to feeling like yourself again. Here are some ideas for how to kick PPD to the curb:

-Focus on good nutrition: When you don't even feel like eating, or you would rather sit on the couch with a spoon and the sugar bowl, good nutrition can be really hard to fix. Start off by taking a vitamin supplement. Niacin, or Vitamin B3, is especially good for helping with depression. You can also continue taking your prenatal vitamins, these are really good if you are nursing. Then you can look into taking an herbal remedy for depression, such as St. John's Wort. Go to a health food store and find brands of vitamins that are minimally processed. (Or send your husband, because chances are you didn't feel like showering today...and getting out of the house may seem like too big of a task for you right now.) Once you start taking the vitamins, you might start feeling better. Whether it is a real effect or a placebo, it doesn't matter. You have your foot in the door of "better health". And now you can start eating better food. Cut out the junk foods and pre-packaged dinners. Eat lots of raw foods, fruits and veggies. Drink plenty of water. Minimize sugar intake. Try asking if your husband would be willing to cook dinner during the week, even if only on a couple days.

-Focus on light therapy: Fresh air and the shining sun can do wonders for improving mood. But getting ready and dressed for public (and getting all the kids dressed and ready for public) is not always easy. There are nap times and feedings and diaper changes to contend with. Or you don't have a car. And sometimes the sun -isn't- shining. Or sometimes it is too daggone cold. If you can't get out and about, try at least playing in the yard, if you have one. Or sitting out on a deck/balcony. At the very least, open the curtains and blinds to let the natural light into your house.

-Focus on exercise: If you can, combine exercise and light therapy and go for a walk outside. But if that seems too hard right now, try to find a quick and easy workout that you like...and just do it in your underwear at home. You could just put on some music that makes you want to move and dance around. If you have a toddler, it will be even more enjoyable, as those little guys love to dance.

-Focus on music: Like with exercise, upbeat music can help you get going. Put some music on, even without the plan to exercise to it, and see how it makes you feel. Or you can try calming, classical music that helps you relax.

-Focus on spirituality: Heavenly Father knows what you are going through. Sometimes, depression can put you out of touch with your relationship with your Heavenly Father. Rekindle that relationship. Work on saying prayers. Use God as your sounding board and begin by addressing Heavenly Father, then rattling off your list of woes. Finish by asking for help and expressing love and gratitude where you can manage it. Try reading your scriptures for 15 minutes a day...even if done in 3 minutes intervals (upon wakening, mid morning, after lunch, mid afternoon, evening). Or watch an episode of Veggie Tales and talk about it with your toddler. Sometimes it is the littlest things that will help!

-Focus on grooming: Wake up, eat breakfast, change diapers, nurse the baby, take a shower, change diapers, do hair, get the toddler a snack, do makeup. Whatever your morning routine -needs- to be, make sure to include personal hygiene. Make the time to shower, brush your teeth, put on deodorant. Make yourself feel as pretty as possible. Put on a bra and clothes, like you are going to go somewhere. Use soap that smells really good to you (not just something that smells ok, but find something that you -really- like). Wax or shave your legs and armpits. Go ahead and put on a movie for the kids, if it will give you time to take care of yourself.

Focus on cleanliness: This is not a focus on bodily cleanliness, this is for your house. Ask your husband to help you clean the house in the evenings. Then do what you can to keep it clean during the day. Make sure you keep up on laundry and dishes. Sometimes those chores that you -have- to do are the only ones that get done...because, let's face it, you need to do laundry if all your underwear are dirty! The task is to keep them from piling up. A week's worth of dirty dishes is a daunting task, and can aggravate depressed feelings. But getting the dishes done every day or having a freshly vacuumed floor can feel like a wonderful accomplishment!

Focus on hobbies: Remember those hobbies that you used to have and used to love. They seem dull now. So, remind yourself why you used to love them. Pull out your pen and paper and write some poetry. Or get out your paints and a canvas. Or your crochet hook and yarn. Get a new book from the library. Watch your favorite movie. Design a new ball gown. Shoot some hoops. Whatever it is that you used to do, find time to do it. Get the kids involved if you want. Or get them busy with something else (or down for a nap), so you will have time for yourself.

These are just some ideas for combating PPD. Like I said before, pick ONE of these and work on it. Don't try to do them all at once. It will not work. It will probably make you feel worse. But, picking one that especially appeals to you might make the world of difference. Get as much sleep as you can, and devote your days to getting better. You may not have much motivation or energy, but gather what you do have up, and put it to good use.

PPD is not healthy or normal (common...but not normal), but there are natural ways to make it better. These suggestions may not take all your troubles away, as PPD is often caused by hormonal imbalances that need time (and sometimes medical intervention) to be fixed. However, if you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child(ren), you need to get medical help immediately. If you feel like things are too hard to handle, and you haven't had any success with natural remedies, you are not a failure. PPD is a real illness. Just as you couldn't help it if you got cancer, you cannot help getting depression. But you can help get rid of it.

You are not alone.

Mama is SO resourceful!

This past Saturday, the boys (hubby included) and I all went to my parents' house to play for the day. Now, I normally don't let the hubs pack the diaper bag. Or be responsible for making sure everything we need to day outings gets to the car. Because he always forgets at least one thing.

Apparently, I'm a major control freak. I've been told by those wiser than me, though, that I need to trust the hubby and let him take care of the diaper bag (or making sure that the baby's butt get sufficiently wiped, or the laundry properly folded, etc). I've been told that the world won't end if something is forgotten.

I guess that's true.

So, this Saturday, we were missing a baby carrier...AND an extra outfit for Bug. (TWO things forgotten!!! I'm proud to say that I didn't overreact. Really, I didn't.)

Enter: The old sheet. My parents' house is full of super soft, old sheets and blankets. I found a particularly soft (washed a million times), pink (came from a house of girls), loved (read: rips and paint stains) twin sized sheet. I folded it in half "hot dog style" (I can't figure out if that would be width wise, or length wise....I'm writing this post at 11pm...that's my excuse), wrapped it around and across my chest and tied a double knot. Then I popped little Gizmo in and went outside to play. I was very proud of my sheet sling. It was almost more comfortable than my ring sling. Instant baby carrier. Simple piece of cloth. No-way-to-carry-my-baby-and-still-take-care-of-my-toddler crisis averted.

Then there was that blasted extra outfit that -wasn't- in the diaper bag that I had to worry about.

Meet Bug. The toddler. The crazy, psycho, messy, climb-fences-feed-rocks-to-dogs-play-in-the-dirt toddler. It was a BEAUTIFUL day on Saturday. I mean, 70 degrees F beautiful. (In the middle of November!!) Of course, we were all outside. Of course, Bug got dirt all over his hands. Black dirt. And, of course, he wiped it all over his clothes...including a white onesie.

But, never fear...Mommy is here....to clean your clothes in the kitchen sink with a little, tiny squirt of laundry soap. Bug got to run around half dressed for about an hour while I washed his clothes in the sink and dried them in the dryer. (I wasn't going to put them in a washer load, when there were only three items on two year old clothing that needed to be clean.) I only wished that I had my washboard. (Which, I do actually have a little washboard for my felting projects! I would love to use it for clothes washing someday.)

I'm not sure that the sparse diaper bag drama could be avoided every time. But, I think I'm going to keep trying to let my husband pack the bag. But, if he forgets the diapers...then I'll write a post about how Daddy learned to be resourceful....

International Babywearing Week 2010

I'm so happy that I haven't missed this. (Like I missed World Breastfeeding Week this year, and like I missed International Babywearing Week -last- year. Can't I just remember them both in one year!?!? I think it would help if during those weeks I had a baby that was breastfeeding and being worn!)

International Babywearing Week is basically a week where everyone around the world celebrates, appreciates, encourages, teaches, models and loves wearing their babies! Of course, you don't have to wait until Babywearing week to do all of that. (Check out the link to find a lot of wonderful information and resources for babywearing.)

Thanks to having a brand new baby, I have been slinging a kiddo lots and lots! Every time I go out, I make sure to have my ring sling. Just yesterday alone, I got TWO comments on my sling, and how they knew "So-and-so" who had one and they wished they had one of their own/had known about them/weren't so expensive to buy from well-known providers, etc. Then, I proudly announce that I made mine, and it cost me less than $20 (I think...I can't remember exactly how much the fabric was, but I'm sure it was pretty cheap!)

Once Gizmo gets a little heavier, I will move him strictly to my homemade stretchy wrap. And, hopefully, when he gets even bigger, I can move him to a woven wrap...or my homemade mai tai.

(Dear husband, I think I want a woven wrap for Christmas. Love, Mally)

Please Research: Cloth Menstrual Pads

You have probably all heard of cloth diapering...but have you heard of cloth pads for menstruation?

I bought some cloth pads from Party in my Pants pads (PIMPs) to use for my postpartum lochia. I have a Diva Cup, but you can't use that right after having a baby.

[Neither Party in my Pants nor Diva Cup are aware that I am mentioning them in this post.]

I took a lot of time studying the different brands of cloth pads, before I decided to buy something. I wanted it to be really easy to use...so it would be more likely that I would enjoy using cloth for myself! Just like with cloth diapers, there are a lot of options for cloth menstrual pads. (Although, there probably aren't quite as many options as with diapers...I tell ya what, diapers overwhelm me!)

-I wanted a pad that was all one piece and that wouldn't bunch up in my crotch. This was probably the biggest thing for me (comfort). I didn't want to have a liner that I had to put in place, or an insert that I had to stuff in a pocket. Some of the most popular cloth pads have these particular annoyances. So, I kept looking for something that was more what I wanted.

-I wanted something that came in a "kit". I wanted to be able to get a wide variety of different pads to try out, for a good price. That's really important, because cloth pads can be expensive...but they are going to last forever. I didn't want to be stuck with a bunch of pads of one kind that I didn't like. With a kit, I may end up with a couple I don't like, but most that are good. (Or, I may just like them all!)

-I wanted something that had postpartum sized pads. This is the reason that I was buying cloth pads, after all! I know a lot of women wear adult incontinence underwear after they give birth. I wasn't planning on doing that, so I wanted a good, strong pad that could handle the flow of lochia immediately after the birth.

-I wanted something with a waterproof layer. Amazingly, not all pads have a waterproof layer. But, I knew I wanted one, because I was planning on using the pads for a really heavy flow. And with a newborn, you don't want to have to rinse out your underwear....'cause you really don't have time for that!

-I wanted something that I would be able to fix on my own, if it needed it. If the seam started ripping, I wanted to be able to sew it back and have it look nice still. Basically, I didn't want anything with a serged edge, because I don't have a serger....and that makes my crotch chafe just thinking about it.

-I wanted something that would attach easily to my underwear and that wouldn't slip around. Adhesives on disposable pads were really poorly thought out, in my opinion. They always seem to adhere to the, ehm, -wrong- places. I knew I wouldn't be getting that with cloth, but I wanted it to have a similar simplicity, without the stupidity!

-I also wanted the company to be really good at marketing, because I'm a sucker for good marketing. Oh yeah, and I wanted a pretty good price.

I just happened to have found all that in the PIMPs pads. All one piece, kits in various sizes (including a postpartum kit), nylon waterproof layer, straight stitched edge, snap in place, great and informative website, pricing comparable to other companies, and adorable, to boot!

And how do I feel about wearing them, you ask?


They are above and beyond disposable pads. When I wear disposable pads, I often feel icky. Wet, dirty, bunched up and noisy (crinkly pad, anyone?). When I wear cloth, I can hardly tell I'm wearing anything to catch the flow! The postpartum cloth pad is the biggest one that you can buy, and I -can- tell I'm wearing something with it. However, it still is more comfortable to me than disposable pads. And the next largest size is nearly undetectable! The cloth soaks up the flow so well, that I have yet to feel wet, dirty, bunched up, noisy or icky! And when a pad is soiled, you toss it in the laundry. You don't have to rinse it or soak it or wash it in a special load. 

I wish I had known about cloth pads when I first started menstruating. Of course, I'm typically more of a tampon girl...and that makes me wish that I had known about menstrual cups...but that is another post to come, I guess. As for postpartum sanitation needs, I will now and forever be a cloth pad girl!

Poor, poor placenta

Placentas are really amazing things. They nourish a baby for nearly nine months in the womb. They are full of nutrients and hormones. They are the only source of meat that comes from creating life, rather than killing.

I really, really wanted to save, and consume in some way (whether dehydrated pills or frozen pills or smoothie style), my placenta. Consuming the placenta will stop a postpartum hemorrhage almost immediately, helps the uterus return to its pre-pregnancy size more quickly, helps regulate and bring in a full milk supply, and nearly eliminates postpartum depression. There is probably more that the placenta can do, because its just so amazing!

Sadly, it didn't happen. I shouldn't have assumed that the hubs would have prepared it for me...especially since he had told me he didn't want to [do it himself]. But, I thought he would if I asked him nicely enough. Guess not.

Instead, it got bagged and thrown away. Just so you know, do NOT ask a woman who gave birth within the last three hours what to do with the placenta, if she had already stated what she wanted done with it pre-birth. She will likely be so engrossed with her newborn that she will say, "I don't care!"

She does care. And a couple days after the birth, she might cry over the loss.

Please Research: Attack Vs. Educate

I am a crunchy parent.

I know a lot of people who are -not- crunchy.

And I know a lot of people who always feel like they have to defend themselves around crunchy people.

I wanted to express that you do not have to defend yourself around me! I may not agree with your choices, but you don't have to defend yourself, as long as you have done your research. I often feel like the mainstream parents feel like they are being attacked by the crunchies when they do something un-crunchy-like. I can't speak for all the crunchy parents out there, but I would like to say most of us are NOT attacking you. We are trying to EDUCATE you!

We aren't sure if you know your other options. Or if you know the research that suggests some of the crunchy ways are better than mainstream ways (i.e., breastfeeding). There is a reason mainstream parenting is called "mainstream". It's because it is the most popular parenting style in our culture today. And there is a reason parents like me get called "crunchy". We get a funny nickname, because a lot of people think we are...weird. Because we do things differently than most of the population.

I, personally, became crunchy through researching my options. I felt like the most natural way to parent was to be as self-reliant as possible (i.e., minimal doctor visits, no circumcision, no vaccines), to keep my baby close (i.e., co-sleeping, baby wearing), to introduce the least amount of foreign substances to my baby (i.e., natural childbirth, breastfeeding, no vaccines), and to use what God has provided me with -naturally- to care for my baby and myself (i.e., placentophagy, breastfeeding, herbal remedies, breast milk in eyes/ears/nose of baby when sick).

My mother (who is accepting of my crunchy ways, but not crunchy herself) and I had an interesting conversation about this topic just the other day. I chose to use the epidural as an example. This is obviously a mainstream choice, as it is believed that well over 60% of women in labor choose an epidural. There is definitely a long list of -possible- side effects (for both mother and baby). I would hope that every mother who chooses an epidural is aware of these possible side effects. Unfortunately, I know that not all mothers are aware of them. But, what about the side effects that are -always- present. Very few women realize that an epidural will slow, or even stop, their body's natural production of oxytocin. Oxytocin is what makes birth! It causes the uterus to contract, and it enhances the mother's natural love for her infant. With an epidural, many women need artificial oxytocin (Pitocin) to cause contractions. And they are missing out on that natural brain hormone that fills them with intense love and a desire to bond with their baby. (This does NOT mean, however, that a mother cannot bond with her baby. It just isn't as easy as it could have been without an epidural.) The risks list of epidurals (both possible and definite) goes on, but that is merely an example in this post. [If you are interested, Dr. Sarah J. Buckley, MD, has a wonderful article explaining the risks of epidurals.]

The point of my example is, some women are COMPLETELY unaware of the advantages of crunchy parenting, and the disadvantages of mainstream parenting. I know that not every mainstream choice is going to be a bad choice, or one made in ignorance. And I understand that everyone is entitled to making their own choices for themselves and their families. But, the natural parenting community has a desire for the whole world to at least -know- what their choices are, and whether they are good or bad choices.

Please remember. We are not attacking. We are educating!

Birth on my mind

I've been composing this post for a LOOOOOOOONG time. In fact, it was basically written out even before I got pregnant again. Then I forgot about it. Then I remembered it. And I read it over and had to add and edit about a million more things. I still don't know if it is really ready or not. I have a lot of feelings about Bug's birth that have been ruminating in my mind for a long time (like...two years). If I were to keep adding to this post, until I felt it was truly complete, I would probably have a whole book! Therefore, I will go ahead and let this post be. There will definitely be some sort of follow up after the new baby makes his/her arrival! Birth on my mind:

I always have pregnancy and birth on my mind. It is my passion. I read about it all time time. I dream about it all the time. I think a lot about how I can make my own experiences with pregnancy and birth better. Of course, that means I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want this pregnancy and birth to be like. And I think a lot about what was wrong with Bug's birth. The more I think about Bug's birth, the more I realize that I -need- to write it all out. Not just a birth story, I have one of those. But, I need to write out my true feelings, more specifically, what I didn't like and why. Perhaps I feel like it will be a therapy session. This isn't just for me to complain (although I do love to complain!) I like to think that I can help other women who want better birth experiences (or maybe haven't had any yet, and have no idea what they could have). So, here is my list of things I did NOT like about pregnancy/birth with Bug, why I didn't like it, and then my preferences for a better pregnancy and birth -including what I'm doing for my current pregnancy/plans for this birth. (these are in no particular order):

-Seeing an OB. I wish that I had either gotten a midwife to take care of my prenatals, or gone with an unassisted pregnancy (UP) and done everything myself. I think I was unsure about what choices I could make, and I felt pressured by our society, and those around me, to see an obstetrician. It is such a normal thing today to have an OB attend you throughout pregnancy. But, as soon as I put my trust in an OB, I forgot to trust myself and my own capabilities. Even though I wanted and hoped to have an unassisted childbirth (UC), I continued going to my prenatals with the OB, and in the end, that is why I gave birth in a hospital.

-Caved to subtle threats from the medical field. A week after I started prodromal labor (but still waiting for the baby to be born), I went in for another prenatal checkup. They heard an irregular heartbeat, and sent me in for all kinds of testing. Eventually, they advised me to be induced. I was vulnerable, because I was a woman getting ready to have a baby anyway (my body was already preparing: I had lost my mucous plug and was having on and off bouts of contractions). They effectively scared me into thinking that my baby's life was in immediate danger. As I laid on a hospital bed, in a hospital gown, crying, I honestly didn't think I had a choice. I wish I could have gone back home to contemplate the situation. I could have returned shortly after if I really felt like I needed to be induced. I could have studied, and subsequently found out, that abnormal heartbeats really aren't uncommon and are typically nothing to worry about. I could have prayed with my husband for personal revelation on what to do in the situation. But, I didn't do any of that. It's hard to do any of that in a busy hospital, where people are checking on you every couple of minutes, asking if you have made a decision, when you clearly know what decision they want you to make. I quietly accepted the invitation to be induced.

-Given a hep lock for an IV. It is ridiculous that mothers in labor at a hospital are rarely allowed to eat and drink when and what they want. It is such an out dated practice, but it is still being practiced! Instead, they keep you hooked up to an IV to keep you hydrated. Or, if you are lucky, you just get a hep lock, so they can hook you up to the IV later. It is mandatory in many hospitals, especially in my area. Why? So they can hook you up to drugs quickly if there is a problem. They see it as a preventative measure. I see it as an unnecessary hindrance. Hospitals are supposed to be there to help quickly -if- a problem comes up...not get you hooked up in advance for -when- a problem comes up. Plus, is there anything comfortable and relaxing about having a plastic tube stuck in your vein? No, I think not. I was constantly worried about the foot of tubing wadded up and taped to my arm. I didn't want to pull it the wrong way, because that hurts! In the end, I wasn't hooked up to the IV...but it wasn't fun laboring with a hep lock in my arm.

-Allowed artificial rupture of my membranes (AROM). AROM definitely is one way to get labor going, especially if the woman's body has already been preparing for labor. However, it can introduce infection. It could have resulted in a cord prolapse (a serious condition, resulting in a c-section). And, it is artificial. What if Bug wasn't ready to come that day? Getting labor started when he wasn't ready could have caused distress for him. AROM also put a time limit on me. If you haven't delivered within twelve hours of your water breaking (or being broken), most hospitals will take drastic measures to get your baby out (i.e., cesarean section). When my OB broke my water, I was not informed of the risks. That makes me angry to think that there are other women out there that are less educated about childbirth than I am, and their OBs are preforming these procedures on them, without telling them anything about what they are doing, and the women believe it is needed, because their OB said they needed it. And for a moment, I was one of those women.

-Allowed an internal fetal monitor. The internal monitor was the whole reason I had my membranes ruptured (besides the fact that the AROM was also to get my labor going, after all, it was medically advised for me to deliver. And I guess I would rather go into labor from AROM than Pitocin). An external monitor wasn't being very helpful in hearing Bug's irregular heartbeat. This was the main thing they wanted to watch. To a mother in labor, how could I have refused? But, getting an internal fetal monitor is risky business, indeed. That one little intervention makes it incredibly more likely that you will end up with a c-section. Once the monitor was in place, I had to stay laying in bed. I was hooked up to a machine, and I could only unplug it to go pee...although I had to go pee with wires hanging out of my crotch. And just to add a little insult to injury (or should I say add a little injury to the insult), the internal monitor's electrode is screwed into a baby's head. Bug had a scab on his little noggin' for several days after he was born because of the monitor.

-Forced to labor in a supine position. Because I was hooked up the internal monitor, I wasn't able to move around. I was able to unhook to go pee every now and then...but if I wasn't hooked up for a couple minutes, a nurse would come in to "make sure everything was ok". So, I spent the time laboring in bed. I rolled from side to side, trying to get comfortable enough to deal with my contractions. And I moaned and vocalized. I probably could have knelt on the bed or stood beside the bed...but nobody told me that I was allowed to. And I was afraid that I would get into trouble by doing stuff. (Can you tell I had zero confidence while I was surrounded by people who were more "in charge" of my labor than I was!?!)

-Legs placed in stirrups, combined with semi-sitting, kind-of-laying position for the pushing phase. I had no idea that I could have knelt down on the bed to give birth to Bug. Nobody at the hospital told me I could. And once I was in the hospital, I felt like I couldn't do anything unless the hospital personnel told me I could do it. (And, even if I tried, my OB may not have allowed it.) So, when it came time to push, they "broke down the bed", aka they removed the lower half of the bed, put up the stirrups and put my legs in them. Being on your back, or mostly on your back, is probably the worst way to push a baby out. And the best way for an OB to watch while you push a baby out. It makes the mom work harder, and it just might cause more tears.

-Directed and strongly encouraged pushing. This was one of those things that I paid a little less attention to while I was pushing. I have a memory of the nurse on one side, telling me that -now- would be a good time push, and my mom on the other side, asking me to push if I -could-. (Moms are much more sensitive to their laboring daughters than nurses! Although, my nurse was really nice, she was obviously trained in hospital birth.) I would push when a contraction came on, then I would get worn out and stop for a bit. When I stopped, the nurse told me to keep going. I told her that I needed to take a break!! It had been about 12 hours since I had had a meal, or even anything to drink. I was exhausted, and I honestly wasn't sure I could push as often or as strong as the nurse wanted me to. I tried to push when I felt like it, and only then. But, I felt like I was failing or not doing a good job, because the nurse kept telling me to push...even when I felt like I couldn't.

-Immediate cord clamping/cutting. Bug had an irregular heartbeat. That was why the doctor wanted me to deliver. And that is why there was a neonatologist there for when Bug was born, ready to whisk him off for testing. And that is why, against my expressed wishes, Bug's cord was immediately clamped and cut after delivery. And, sadly, I didn't really get to see the placenta, either. That connection that my baby had with me throughout my pregnancy was gone in an instant.

-Baby taken away for tests. Right after Bug was born, they put him on my chest. But it was only for a few minutes, before they took him away for testing. And the OB stitched two of my three small tears. That whole after birth phase is a cloudy memory to me. I don't remember how long Bug was away from me. All I know, is that I got to hold him for a minute, then he was gone for a while. And the next time I saw him, he was bundled up in a blanket. I didn't really get to cherish that skin-to-skin after birth moment that I long for. And I definitely didn't get the opportunity to see if Bug would make his own way to my nipple to nurse.

-Lost autonomy. As illustrated in almost all of the above, I had little to no confidence to do what I wanted to do in a hospital birth. There were rules and regulations and people who were important and in charge. I was just a patient there. I was supposed to be good. I was supposed to be compliant. I was supposed to be easy to take care of. I was nervous and excited. It was my first child. I had never done anything like birth before! I had studied and I knew A LOT about birth. I knew I wanted to follow my own intuition. But I couldn't. As soon as I was told to head to the hospital for a biophysical profile, I felt my confidence draining. It drained more as I was told to put on a hospital gown. And even more as I was send for an ultrasound...in a wheelchair. And once I was told that it was "medically indicated" that I deliver, I knew my intuition was NOT invited to this hospital birth. It wasn't even until hours later that I realized I didn't have -anything- with me, other than my purse. (In fact, my husband ran home after Bug was born to go get clothes and other stuff that would have been there with me, if I had a hospital bag packed.) I was completely and totally at the mercy of the hospital. The policies. The regulations. And even though Bug's birth was amazing (as I imagine any kind of birth would be), it was not what I wanted.

So, how can I change this? How can I help myself have a better experience with birth? The first thing I did was put my foot down and NOT schedule an appointment with an obstetrician. The hubs wasn't comfortable with the idea of doing an unassisted pregnancy/birth with this baby. And he is part of my team, so I had to compromise. It took a lot of work, but I finally got in contact with several midwives. The homebirth community in Ohio is almost like a secret society. You have to know where to go to get the information that you need. I didn't have that information when I was pregnant with Bug. Or, I didn't know how to -find- that information. This time, I worked harder. I found midwives, and I interviewed midwives. And I decided on a midwife that I believe is a good fit for me (the hubby even picked her before I did).

My midwife is ok with my requests. This includes: no vaginal exams, no ultrasound technology (including a doppler), letting me do my own urinalysis, visits in my own home, no routine tests or procedures. Basically, when I ask my midwife if I am ok to do something, she says, "Sure, why not? It's your choice/your body!" If I ask my midwife if I need to -not- do something, she says, "Why? If you want to do it, do it. If you think you shouldn't, don't." My midwife is not flippant. She just thinks that pregnancy and birth are normal, and you shouldn't have to alter your life for them (as long as you are healthy, and not participating in harmful activities). She also thinks that I should be making all my own decisions. She is just there to observe and let me know if something is going wrong (and I don't catch it before on my own). It's exactly the kind of care that I want (assuming that I actually have care from someone other than myself).

It has been nice to just go throughout my pregnancy like I'm living normally. I never have to worry about getting to an appointment (because my midwife comes to me, and I'm always home with Bug during the day anyway). I never have to worry about doing something that I'm not supposed to do, or making sure I do something that I am supposed to do (according to an OB). I just do things that make me feel more comfortable. I eat well. I rest a lot. I take care of my toddler. I feel the baby moving within me and I smile and get emotional about another baby coming to our family. It's been a beautiful pregnancy so far. Very relaxed. It feels good. It feels right.

I want the birth of this next baby to be more ceremonial, and less....protocol. I want to be the one to call the shots. And, I even want to be the one to catch the baby (assuming I'm in a position to do so) and my husband is ok with that! (Yipee!) I'm not typically a conformist. And I think after Bug's birth, I have become even less so. I am stubborn and confident. I think that is why I had such a hard time with Bug's birth, feeling that that part of me was taken away...or that I really don't have those traits. But, I know what I want, and I have learned enough to now get what I want.

I can't wait until the baby is born. Then I will write a follow up post on how this birth went. In the meantime, I'm interested in how my readers have experienced their pregnancies/births. Did things go the way you wanted them to? Did you wish you could change things? What would you want to do differently?

Fireworks!

Almost every year for Independence Day, we go to a large event called Red, White and Blue Ash (held every year in Blue Ash, Ohio).

For the past several years, it has been rainy. We usually try to enjoy the fireworks anyway. Last year, that meant we sat under a damp blanket while we were drizzled on. And ashed on. The wet rain fizzled out the fireworks prematurely, and so there was a lot of ash raining down on the crowd. And a lot of smoke. I'm not kidding about the ash. My face was covered in little black flecks by the time the thing was over! Really, it almost wasn't worth it....Especially since I had to nurse Bug through the whole thing. He stayed under the blanket, attached to his nursies, and missed the whole show. Except for the noise. And you really can't escape from that.

This year, I regret to say it wasn't much better. The weather was BEAUTIFUL (although we are now in a heat emergency for the rest of the week). But, good weather can't make the whole thing worth it. And neither can AWESOME, AMAZING, SPECTACULAR fireworks. Although, that is what the fireworks were...I still don't know if I want to go again next year. And that kind of makes me sad.

We left our home around 7pm. It takes about half an hour to get to where we were going. So we figured we have plenty of time to find parking (and get on a shuttle...because there is no way in heck I was going to walk very far being seven months pregnant, toting around a 2 year old, three fold up chairs, a diaper bag and a blanket in the 90 degree weather...even with my amazing husband to help!)

Before we even got on the highway, we got a call from our Spanish sister missionaries. They needed someone to give a blessing to the little baby of a Spanish speaking family in our ward. We were so close, that we figured it wasn't a big deal to stop and help out. (Hey, I even ended up getting a compliment, that I read in Spanish better than my hubby does...and he's the fluent one!!) It turned out to be a very spiritual experience for me. Of course, I had been having a "bad pregnant day" anyway...meaning "highly emotional, cry at everything day". The little girl was having a bad reaction to a slew of vaccines she had received almost two weeks ago. The story touched home to me, as we have chosen to not vaccinate, due to the risks of reactions in young children. I'm not sure what all was said in the blessing ('cause my hubby's the fluent one, not me!) but I felt such a strong reassurance that our Heavenly Father loves this little girl, He cares about her and the needs of her family, and he will bless her with a recovery. I really was glad we stopped before we went on to the fireworks.

Shortly after the blessing, we were back on our way to Blue Ash. We avoided traffic, and found a -wonderful- parking spot at one of the shuttle stops. But, we noticed there were two lines for the shuttle bus. We weren't sure which line we should be standing in, so we chose the line that had a sign saying "Shuttle Bus Stop" at the front. It seemed more like the official stop. I figured we would be on the second bus that came. Apparently, the bus driver was just going to stop at the closest line of people...which wasn't the line we were in. And as the bus was loading up the people in the unofficial line...ALL the people BEHIND us, cut in front of us to the other line!!!!!!! WHAT THE HECK!?!?!? Those JERKS!!! Finally, we decided we might as well move into the other line. Instead of the second bus picking us up, it was probably the 5th bus that we were finally able to get on. And Bug was crying the whole time we waited. He wanted to get on every bus. He wanted to eat strange berries on the ground. He wanted to pick up garbage. He wanted to take off his shoes. Did I happen to mention (no...no I haven't yet) that he did NOT take a nap. I should have known we were in for a long night!

As we were getting closer and closer to the shuttle, people started walking away, declaring that it wasn't worth it to go, because "People are elbow to elbow..." that happens every year "they are out of pop..." we have our water bottles "they are out of food" we ate before we came "they are out of beer! For cryin' out loud, they are out of BEER!..." uhm, we don't give a darn about the beer, and frankly, we'd love for all you alcoholics to not be there around us anyway "and the port-a-potties are all overflowing." Ok...that last thing was a little bit discouraging...because pregnant women tend to use the toilet a lot. So I started practicing my kegels again, right there in the line! But we weren't going for the food or the entertainment (well...I -did- kind of want to see Peter Frampton), we were going for the fireworks...so we got on our shuttle.

And we finally got there and found my family (and a bunch of other people we know) and set up camp. By the time I was sitting in my camp chair, it was just after 9pm. Two hours after we left home!

And "Ooooh, Baby, I [don't] love [the] way" it all happened...but I MISSED PETER FRAMPTON!

However, I was able to complain to my mom, eat a doughnut, and pass off responsibility for Bug to my little sister. Finally, at 10pm, the fireworks started. We were in the perfect location. Not too close, not too far. And the smoke all blew to the side of us, rather than right at us! I was SO grateful that Bug didn't want to hang out under a blanket nursing this year. He loved the fireworks. He ooohed and awed and clapped. And, luckily, he didn't cry when they ended at 10:30pm. I must say, it was a very nice display. They even had fireworks that exploded into a "U", an "S", and a slightly wonky "A". Pretty cool engineering, I guess...even if it did look like it was written by a first grader!

After it was all over, we walked two minutes over to the shuttle pick up point. All the shuttles were already full and leaving. Ok, great. We'll wait. No big deal. We'll wait. And wait. Oh, there's a shuttle....nope, it's a "Red Line" and we want the "White Line". So we wait. And wait. And the shuttles keep stopping at the other end of people (and they totally should have stopped at our end, because then all the shuttles that came in behind them wouldn't be waiting in line to pick up people, while the first shuttle sat there blocking the way...argh!) Finally, an hour and a half later, we squeeze our way onto a "Red" shuttle, that had been converted to a "White", because apparently, they needed more whites. We did have a really spunky shuttle driver, though, and she made me smile, even after waiting for so long!

And -hallelujah- the traffic didn't impede us one bit. We were able to get home quickly and easily. And we settled into bed exactly 2 hours after the fireworks had ended.

I may have to settle for a less extravagant firework display next year...I'm just not sure if it is worth it!

Sleep Sharing Bliss

"You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", right?

The other night I had an epiphany. I love sharing my bed with my kid.

It was one of those days. You know, the kind that starts early in the morning and doesn't include an afternoon nap....or any nap for that matter. So, around 7:48pm, Bug turned into a whining, screaming, thrashing, fighting, terrorizing, monster. Oh, it was bad.

Unfortunately, I kept getting caught up in things around me (like planning our trip to Texas, or cleaning up the water that Bug got all over the bathroom, or realizing that I let my Red Raspberry Leaf tea steep for nearly two hours...). So, it wasn't until 8:15pm that I realized I needed to just stop and put the kid to sleep. And, since he's been sleeping in his own bed, I needed to get him to sleep without laying down next to him. Let me tell you, it is ridiculously difficult to calm a tantruming toddler, when you are trying to sit in a squeaky glider and you have no room on your lap (due to your hugely pregnant belly) and you are so exhausted that it's hard to contain the toddler's flailing arms and legs. I may or may not have swatted his butt a couple of times to get him to pay attention to me. I think I got lucky, though. Because after singing two songs, I was able to transfer Bug to his own bed, and he stayed asleep.

Later that night, when the hubs and I went to bed, Bug briefly woke up and started crying (because Bug's bed is at the foot of our bed...and the hubs has a noisy electric toothbrush). We quickly calmed him down again, and he stayed in his bed. But, then, as I was laying in my own bed, I could hear the post-cry hiccups that Bug had, even in his sleep. It made my heart ache to hold him close, so he would know that his mommy loves him. Really, REALLY, really loves him. (In fact, I was aching so much, and telling my husband all about it, the he even offered to get Bug and bring him to bed with us! I have such a sensitive and loving husband!!!)

And I realized that, although I complained all the time about sharing a bed with Bug, I loved it. Because it was a time where I could give Bug 100% of my attention. If he needed anything, I was right next to him to help. When we were nursing, the breast was right there for him. Even if he wasn't nursing, I could offer him his sippy cup. And there was always a soft and warm body there, letting him know that he was safe and secure. I can't offer that kind of parenting during the day, no matter how hard I try. And I must admit, I don't often try. I -want- to be able to offer my child everything he needs. I want him to know that he is loved, and that he is safe. I want him to be comfortable.  But it isn't always a reasonable option during the hustle and bustle of the day.

And THAT is why I love sharing my bed.

Liberty Discussions

This is outside my typical realm of blogging, but I feel it is important enough to share with my readers. Some friends of mine have put together this educational community to help people better understand and feel comfortable with the political workings of our country...and how they SHOULD be. I think it is a great idea, because I am not a political person, but I feel the need to understand, so I can make wise decisions. The idea is to put the power back with the people, where it should be. I can't explain it any better, so watch this introductory clip, and visit the Liberty Discussions website!

Please Research: Nursing During Pregnancy

I've mentioned in some of my previous posts that I am still nursing Bug, even though I am pregnant. Breastfeeding during pregnancy is often misunderstood and even taboo! I think some of the reasons that people are so uncomfortable with nursing during pregnancy, is because most women don't nurse very long in the first place! And nursing itself is a much debated topic in Western culture!

Then, when you add pregnancy to it, people think that the mother is being irresponsible. What if it causes the mother to miscarry? Or what if the baby isn't getting the nutrients to grow properly? There is plenty of research and information out there to show that breastfeeding during pregnancy is NOT dangerous to the unborn child. There are some circumstances where it may be advised to wean an older child (i.e., if the mother has a history of miscarriage) but weaning is rarely necessary.

When a woman is breastfeeding in a pattern often called "ecological breastfeeding", she is nursing her child as often at the child wants. This often means that a baby sleeps next to a mother and nurses frequently at night, as well as nursing frequently during the day. The stimulation of the nipple during frequent breastfeeding causes the body to produce hormones that remind the mom's body that "there is a baby here that still needs milk and a lot of attention". This means that the mom keep producing milk (as much as the baby needs) and often prevents the mother from returning to fertility, so she won't have to worry about taking care of another baby when she already has one that still needs a lot of attention. When the child gets older, he may start eating more solid foods, and start nursing less (less may be one less feeding, or even suddenly cutting out several feeding). This decrease in nipple stimulation tells the body, "Oh, I don't have to make as much milk and the baby that was so demanding before doesn't need as much attention anymore". Then, the body returns to fertility, and the mother is able to get pregnant again. But the main thing here is, the child doesn't have to wean completely for this to happen. There isn't really a known threshold, either. I think it has a lot to do with what the mother's body can handle. For myself, I didn't return to fertility until Bug was about 18 months old. Some women become fertile again much sooner (even while ecologically breastfeeding) and some take much longer.

Shortly after returning to fertility, I became pregnant. Bug was still nursing, and I didn't make him stop. Bug's nursing pattern had definitely changed from when he was a newborn, but I still feel like he was nursing pretty frequently. And he kept it up for a while at the beginning of my pregnancy, even though it was uncomfortable for me. An early pregnancy symptom is tenderness of the breasts, and that often makes nursing uncomfortable for pregnant mothers. It definitely was difficult for me, but I stuck it out and continued to let Bug nurse, because it is so comforting to him. I would like to report, however, that the discomfort of nursing has gone away.

A couple weeks ago, I realized that my milk supply had decreased to almost nothing. I noticed Bug would get frustrated as soon as he latched on, because nothing was coming out! I tried hand expressing, and only got a small, pin-head sized drop of thick, creamy, and sticky colostrum. Bug still nurses occasionally, but it is obviously only for comfort and to be close to his mommy!

When I began nursing, I told myself that I wanted to nurse to at least a year. Sometime within that first year, I knew that I wanted to nurse for as long as Bug wanted to nurse (child-led weaning). It helped me continue nursing, even when it was difficult. And, even know, I am still nursing Bug, even though he isn't getting much or anything at all! There have been times when I have refused to let Bug nurse (so I guess I don't technically qualify as practicing child-led weaning). But, mostly, Bug has become more interested in other foods and other comfort measures on his own. I (usually) enjoy nursing Bug. It is a beautiful and tender relationship that I have with him. I am sure it will be bittersweet when I realize that Bug has nursed for the last time. But until then, I will confidently nurse him...even though I'm pregnant!

Support and Acceptance

It is human nature to desire to be different....yet, it is also human nature to conform. We want to have our individuality, but we want to have people that agree with us and support us. Women, especially, have an emotional need for support and acceptance. That is why women like to go shopping together, have social gatherings, gab with others, blog, etc. Women like to have a group of women that will listen to and agree with all their joys and woes. Sometimes blogging can satisfy this desire. Sometimes, you really need a group of women that are there for you in real life.

I guess I have been feeling a little discouraged lately. (It happens every now and then...I like to blame it on hormones, because it is an excuse that my husband seems ready to accept.) I have surpassed my human desire to be different. I am definitely my own unique person. I have broken societal norms and I haven't looked back. But, even without looking back, I am looking around and feeling very lonely.

Where are all the mothers, young and old, that are passionate about pregnancy? About natural childbirth (including *gasp* unassisted birth)? About breastfeeding, even into toddler hood? About baby wearing? About not vaccinating? About not circumcising? About bed sharing? Are these all lost arts? What is wrong with just leaving things simple? Why are there so many people who think it is wrong to be a "crunchy" parent? I am continually trudging through the crowd of all those who think I am doing things wrong.

I don't want to be a hypocrite. I am often verbal about what is wrong with other parenting styles. (Usually after I feel attacked...which is probably more perceived and less real.) But science is giving more and more support in saying that natural parenting habits are actually BETTER than the parenting styles that have become more mainstream. How can there still be so many people that are completely ignorant about this? How can there still be so many people who blatantly reject this? Parents have become lazy. They don't want to learn, they don't care to learn. They choose to rely on "experts" instead of scouring for the knowledge themselves. Is there anything wrong with being self sufficient in more ways that growing your own vegetables?

What is wrong with being a "crunchy" mom? And if there is nothing wrong with it, why are naturally minded mothers lacking support? And why aren't more mothers delighting in the knowledge and ability to be an intuitive mother?

Bring back the art of mothering! Listen to your body. Listen to your babies and children. If they want to be held, hold them! If they want to nurse at your breast, nurse them! Keep them close, day and night. Protect their health, their bodies, their minds. Women are strong. Women were divinely created to be mothers. Our bodies were created to give birth without complications or trauma. Our bodies were made to nourish our children. Our hearts have the ability to love and to cherish our children, and give them exactly what they need. There is such great joy in simple mothering. It is an art that has nearly been lost in the Western culture. Bring back the art of mothering!

Please Research: Why the breast?

It has been nearly a year and a half since Bug was born, and it has probably been less than a dozen times that he has had a bottle given to him. I received exactly five bottles at my baby shower. One of them broke. The other four are sitting on the top shelf of one of my cabinets. They are collecting dust, and I don't know why I haven't gotten rid of them yet. The fact is, I never really felt comfortable leaving Bug alone for extended periods of time that would necessitate him needing a bottle. And because of my parenting style, which I sometimes refer to as intuitive or instinctive parenting, I chose to keep well within my comfort level most of the time. Before I knew it, Bug was old enough to use a sippy cup and eat solid foods. And what do you know, I was more comfortable leaving him with a babysitter.

Recently, a family member sent me an email curiously asking why I was still breastfeeding my toddler. She told me that she had thought I was bottle feeding Bug, but when she found out that I was still nursing she was so curious that she emailed me. She wanted to know exactly why I was still nursing, from my own point of view, not some web site's information. She wanted to know how it could be beneficial to Bug or to me. So, I told her. I pulled from my memory all the things I had learned about breastfeeding. I've done a lot of research concerning all kinds of parenting topics, including breastfeeding, and I used that knowledge to fill my response. My email got longer and longer as I explained as straightforwardly as I could the physical and emotional benefits, for both Bug and me. Here is some of what I told her:

A lot of people question mothers who nurse longer than a year. In our society it has kind of become taboo, for unknown reasons. Bug is 17 months right now, and yes, he is definitely still nursing. The World Health Organization has recommended that children be breastfed for at least 2 years, and as long after that as mutually desired by mom and child. Breast milk has a lot of stuff in it that is really healthy for children, and the benefits of breast milk don't go away at a certain age. They are always there. Human specific healthy fats, proteins, vitamins, minerals and antibodies are all found in breast milk, but aren't found in formula and cow's milk. Because we don't give Bug any vaccines, it is especially good for him to continue breastfeeding. It helps him keep from getting sick. It prevents earaches, cold/flu, childhood obesity, asthma, allergies and other health issues. Also, breast milk helps build up the myelin fat in the brain, so children that are breastfed longer are generally more intelligent. Breastfeeding can also help oral development (especially keeping teeth healthy and straight).

I also believe that nursing Bug still will help him become a more emotionally healthy person. Babies and toddlers have a need to suck and be comforted. Most children Bug's age still use a bottle or a pacifier, which both of those are actually a substitute for the breast. Weaning could teach a child to lose trust, because they expect their parents to give them what they need, physically as well as emotionally. When Bug gets hurt or upset, I can nurse him to help him feel better...even if I only nurse him for a couple of seconds at a time, it usually stops a tantrum and helps us both deal with the issues at hand much better! I genuinely feel that Bug still has a need to nurse. I'm ok with that, so we still nurse. He gets so excited about nursing and he smiles and laughs. It makes me feel good to know that I can make him so happy that way.

As for how nursing benefits me, there are also lots of ways. In the beginning, nursing helped me to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, and also helped my uterus recover from pregnancy and birth faster (as nursing causes mild contractions that help the uterus return to the normal size). That contracting also helps prevent excessive bleeding after birth too. But, benefits also come with extended nursing. The longer a mother breastfeeds, the less likely she is to have breast cancer, uterine cancer and cervical cancer. Breastfeeding also releases "feel good" hormones that can help prevent depression. Also, it helps with natural child spacing. Because I have been nursing Bug, I didn't start my period until just recently!

I guess I just see that the benefits of extended nursing are enough to keep nursing. Since around one year, Bug has been eating regular meals during the day, and nursing more for snacks and comfort. It makes it much easier for me to get him to sleep, for naps, for bedtime and if he wakes up in the middle of the night. It also makes it easy if we are out of the house and I forgot his sippy cup or snacks. I can let him nurse a little bit and it satisfies both hunger and thirst. I don't see any reason why I should wean him.

I hope that I was able to properly convey the benefits, and even the importance of breastfeeding. This isn't only about extended breastfeeding, either. Many people forget how important breastfeeding is, even for a newborn infant. I came across this wonderful article that reminded me a lot of my response to my curious family member. It is my hope that mothers learn about and come to realize how wonderful it is to breastfeed. I believe that if women knew...really knew...how great breastfeeding is, we would have less curiosity, disgust, ambivalence, etc. toward breastfeeding. It truly will be a happy day when every mother can put her baby to her breast without judgment or ignorance interfering.

PS-It's babywearing week!

I totally spaced and forgot that this week has been International Babywearing Week. Yeah...I'm such a slacker. I did a whole week of posts when it was International Breastfeeding Week. I guess because I don't wear Bug as often any more (he is so independent and prefers to walk) that I haven't been as dedicated to the babywearing community.

HOWEVER...I did want to just put in a little plug about how great it is to wear your baby. It makes life so much easier. Babies (and toddlers, usually) love to be close to mommy. Close enough to kiss. And I think mommies love to have their little ones close, too. It was also a pleasure for me to wear Bug in a sling or a wrap (my favorite carriers for a young baby). I loved to pat his little butt and smell his sweet head. And then, once Bug was older, I loved carrying him in a Mei Tai. It is so sweet when he falls asleep while tied onto me. Honestly, I opted to get a convertible car seat rather than an infant car seat, so I wouldn't even be tempted to carry Bug around in the seat.

If you are interested in babywearing, I would recommend WearYourBaby.com. It is my favorite website for all your babywearing needs. It has information on all different types of carriers, how to make your own carriers, how to use your carriers, and much more! Go check it out, and wear your babies close enough to kiss!

The end of WBW

I would like to give a shout out to La Leche League International. A wonderful group dedicated to educating moms and families about breastfeeding. I didn't go to my first LLL meeting until Bug was 14 months old. I wish that I had gone before then. The support is a phenomenal help to maintaining a breastfeeding relationship! If you are interested, please look up your local meetings and go!

Another topic I wanted to address during WBW is breastfeeding and the law. LLLI has a great resource center for learning about breastfeeding legalities. I think it is very important for breastfeeding mothers to know their rights. This is especially true when it comes to where women can breastfeed. Many women are lead to believe that they aren't allowed to breastfeed in public. They are often humiliated and forced to nurse their babies in solitude, sometimes even in public restrooms. It is regretable that our society does not accept breastfeeding, while at the same time accepting the blatant pornography that shows up on our televisions and in our grocery store check out lines! Click here for a state by state guide on breastfeeding laws. And don't be afraid to teach others!

We should do all we can to promote a healthier vision of breastfeeding throughout the whole world. It is so important. It is the best way to feed babies. It is an excellent way to comfort. It protects and creates healthy relationships. It is also a huge help in times of disaster and tragedy. World Breastfeeding Week 2009 addresses this specifically and asks us if we are ready. If we can support and help mothers to understand and love breastfeeding, we can confidently say, "We are ready!"