Thursday, February 26, 2009

What day is it??

I have pretty much always been an on-time control freak. I lived my life by the motto, "If you're not 10 minutes early-YOU'RE LATE!" My sister used to try to make me late for my college classes on purpose, just to teach me how to relax about the whole "being on time, all the time" thing. It stressed me out, majorly. And now I have a baby. He's good at making me late for stuff (intentional or not). Sometimes he decides to have a huge, poopy blowout right when we should be walking out the door. I'm getting used to being late now.

So, I'd like to present my Valentine's Day Post (Hey, it IS still February, at least)!!

Because I'm stuck at home all day, and I can't get out to buy my hubby a nice Valentine's Day gift, I made him one instead. Just a little bit of creativity, a little bit of humor, and a printer! I made him a Valentine's Day Coupon book. A couple weeks before V-Day we saw some while we were walking through Barnes and Noble book store. I teased him that I should get him the "Sexy Coupon" book. And he rolled his eyes at me. Now that I knew he thought it would be terribly romantic and awesome to get a sexy coupon book (that's what the eye roll meant), I just had to decide how to make it hilarious. I figured the best way to do that would be to make sure each coupon had some "small print". (You know, those darn things that make the coupon less valuable than you originally thought!)

My dear, sweet husband didn't want me posting to the whole world what my super, sexy coupons all said, so you'll have to use your imagination. But, I will share some, along with the reasons behind my restrictions, because they are just too great (and I'm obviously not humble enough to not brag about them!)

"FREE CLEAN HOUSE. Cannot be combined with any other offers." ('Cause you bet I'm not gonna get anything else done or be "in the mood" for anything else after cleaning the whole house!)
"FREE MASSAGE. Up to 10 minutes. Void when baby screaming." ('Cause in 10 minutes, the baby will be screaming.)
"RECEIVE A BIG SMOOCH. With the purchase of regular groceries. Tongue included. Not redeemable in public." ('Cause I'm not a fan of PDA.)
"FREE ROMANTIC EVENING. All inclusive. Baby sitter required." ('Cause it won't be romantic if I have a baby crawling all over me.)
"FREE 'CREATE-YOUR-OWN-COUPON'. Restrictions may apply." ('Cause I won't let you be sneaky and try to create some crazy, whacked-out, love coupon that I won't want or be able to fulfill.)

The hubs loved it so much (and he's actually already used a couple coupons), that he decided to make a coupon book for me! I was so surprised and pleased. And, you bet, he used his own creative ideas. AND he had to top me by providing MORE coupons than I gave him. Once again, you must use your imagination for the full content of the book, as this post must past strict PG guidelines, set by the husband. Here are the coupons he made me, and the commentary of my reactions:

"FREE TEMPLE TRIP. Baby sitter needed. Dinner included." (Dinner better be included, on account of the temple being 2 hours away. And I better get a notice at least a week ahead so I can pump enough for the baby!)
"FREE 30 MIN. MASSAGE. Baby sitter needed. Redeemable only with the purchase of a romantic date. Terms and conditions may apply. Massage oil upon request." (This is like a romantic date coupon in disguise. Seriously.)
"FREE CLEAN HOUSE. Must watch the baby, unless baby sitter is provided." (Hmmm...maybe I should have you watch the baby when you want to cash in on your own clean-house-coupon.)
"FREE SHOWER. Will watch baby. Void when he is hungry." (Hungry=screaming here, I think. But, hey, a shower?! All by myself!?! For real!?!?)
"FREE CAMPING TRIP. Baby must come. Usable only between the months of May-Sept." (I guess I will have to save that free shower coupon until after I use this one.)
"FREE DINNER. Must watch the baby, unless baby sitter is provided." (I can handle watching the kiddo, while you make dinner. I mean, I only watch him 24/7 anyway...and it will be a night I don't have to make dinner!)

We've had fun with this. After all, there is no better way to relieve stress than humor and romance. Like how we can nearly pee our pants laughing when Bug blows raspberries on my belly while we're laying in bed and hubby is batting his big, romantic eyes at me.

Happiness. Babysitter may be necessary. Sometimes.

Monday, February 23, 2009

When I get my dream house...

Who on earth thought it would be a good idea to have carpet in a dining room. Who? Fess up, so I can spit in your eye!!! Or maybe I will just make you clean the crusty, dried up, kidney beans out of my dining room carpet. And the carrots. And the peas. And the Cheerios. And the Rice Krispies. And the cracker. And the banana. And the chewed up paper. And whatever-the-heck-THAT-is.

I think you would rather me just spit in your eye.

I keep reminding myself that it may not be so bad if I actually buy a high chair. Or a large tarp. A really, large tarp.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

And then I hid under a rock.

Last night, my hubby took me (and Bug) out to dinner at the Cracker Barrel. And, let me tell you what, there is nothing better than stick-to-your-ribs, country cookin' breakfast for dinner! I swear, the sawmill gravy and buttermilk biscuits are to die for! And that hash brown casserole. And the country smoked ham. And pretty much EVERYTHING ELSE, except the grits. Yum!

But, I'm not here to blog about the delish grub.

Of course, yesterday was "one of those days". You know, the kind of day where the baby decides that he's too grown up for regular naps, so he only gets one in the early, early afternoon. The kind of day where he is totally unpredictable. And that's probably why I didn't get dinner ready...thus the meal at Cracker Barrel.

We were sitting there at our table, sipping our water, trying to entertain Bug. (I always hold him in my lap until our food comes, because he doesn't like to sit in the high chair very long.) Then, I decided I would nurse Bug before our food came out, just so there would be a greater chance that I could sit him in the high chair and eat my own meal in peace. So, I got out all my nursing gear (Yep, that's right, I just plopped 'em out there! Actually, I mean, I got out my nursing cover and a burp cloth for the inevitable spraying). And I was struggling with that DOGGONE nursing bra when Bug decided he wasn't going to be patient. He started SCREAMING! You probably would have thought he was being tortured, rather than about to be nursed.

Seriously, I think you are underestimating how loudly he was screaming.

And guess what? THE WHOLE FREAKING RESTAURANT TURNED TO LOOK AT ME!!!! And there I was, struggling with my screaming baby, trying to get my stupid bra unclasped, trying to not flash anyone (though my husband swears some guy walking by the window got a peek), trying to get Bug latched on, my face was hot and flushed, my hair was in my face, and every single person was LOOKING at me.

So, what did I do? I started speaking -loudly- about how rude people are, and how I'm just trying to nurse my baby, people don't need to be so freakin' nosey, go ahead and look you rude people...blah, blah, blah. And my husband, trying not to laugh, smiles and says, "I love you, Honey. You're so spirited."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Itty bitty living space

I thought it would be fun to do a guest post someday. I was hoping to do it in connection with the winner of the Free Giveaway that I attempted. I guess it has kind of worked out like that. Anyway...the day has come for my first guest post! And I've enjoyed having some other mother's lament to read that I have decided to do a monthly guest post (provided people actually submit them)! Check over on the right hand side to figure out how to submit your own lament!

Read this great mother's lament written by Melinda over at Bloggy Blather (and check out her blog when your done, because it's great!)

I live in a small house. A VERY small house. I mean, its probably equivalent to a two bedroom apartment, or smaller. What I'm really telling you, is there's no place to hide. Every room I go into, my kids follow. I think if we lived in a normal size house, my kids would just play and do their own thing. But since we live in a house where you can whisper and hear it in any given room, there's just not much privacy going on. You can see where I'm heading can't you....NO, you're wrong! This has nothing to do with any sort of "bedroom" privacy, if ya know whatta mean! *elbow, elbow, eyebrows waggling* THIS has everything to do with the computer. In our incredibly suffocatingly tiny house, the computer resides in the living room. The center of our home really. We do everything in the living room; watch TV, play games and toys, hang out, eat. Its where everything goes down. And of course I do my blogging there too. I don't know about y'all but sometimes I need a little break, but I don't want to pack up my three kids and go to a park (it's freaking freezing outside right now guys!), or force my kids to go shopping where they whine the whole time; no, the easiest, fastest, also very satisfying get-away is the Internet. I feel like I get to communicate with people who are higher than my waist (not that its bad if you're not...), and I don't have to leave the comfort of my "house"--IT'S JUST SO SMALL! But there is a drawback to the computer. That drawback would be my children. I know I should take it as a compliment that they want to be near me, but I don't like it! When I'm on the computer, they come over, they lean on me until I can't take their weight any longer and have to move them away (and by "move them away" I mean, I push them and tell them to STOP LEANING ON ME!). They don't want to talk to me, they're still watching Smurfs or whatever, they're just THERE, breathing, picking their noses, breathing--it's annoying. I need some alone time guys, I need to escape reality for ten, twenty minutes, two hours...whichever. Truly, I love my children. They're wonderful on so many levels, and they make my life so much richer than I could have ever dreamed; but, just MOVE AWAY from the computer. PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy. And as I type this, my youngest is clutching my leg screaming. I guess that's my clue that "alone time" is over.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My kid is better than your kid

Oh yeah, I said it. My kid is better than your kid is. Sorry. That's just the way it's gotta be. My kid will always be cuter, smarter, faster, stronger, more advanced in every way. I don't know how it works out like that, but it does. Really.

Bug started walking about a week and a half ago. He's only 9 1/2 months old. Well....technically, he isn't really "walking" yet. But, he can take about 3 steps on his own. He thinks he is pretty hot stuff, too. Sometimes, when he pulls himself up to standing next to me, he will let go and just stand on his own for a little while. And he ALWAYS looks up at me like he just invented fire.

So, in one week, my sister-in-law is coming to town with her kiddos. Her youngest is 17 hours older than Bug. He isn't quite crawling yet. My hubby and I have been trying to get Bug to walk all on his own by the time they get here. Ya know, for the bragging rights!? (I'm blaming it all on my hubby and sibling rivalry.)

I know, I know. I should be smitten down for being so horrible. I know, I know. Kids all develop at different rates, and my next kid probably won't walk until 18 months, just to teach me some humility. But, dang it all! I'm sure my next kids will still be better than yours!!!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Go figure...

I got ZERO responses for the Free Giveaway. ZERO. Well, to be completely fair, I did have a couple "I want to do this" responses. One of those was from my mom...who hasn't even bothered with her own blog for months! I'm blaming it on MormonMommyBlogs...because the category that my link is in (Crunchy Moms) got moved down past the Funny Ladies category. I don't know why anyone would look past the Funny Ladies. I know I have a hard time looking past them! Regardless, my traffic has significantly decreased since the move over on MMB. Being fair stinks!

So, I guess I will just have to stick with posting my own laments. If I get ANY posts today of a lament, I will be more than willing to let them win the giveaway (whether it be the funniest, the first, or the only). Now, don't all rush in at once, though, because I'm planning on enjoying my Valentine's Day with my hubby, sans baby!!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Mother

Because today is my birthday, I figured I would do a post all about me. The Mother. You know, I can get away with it today, because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! My 21st birthday to be exact. Wow!? Only 21?? Yep, bet you didn't know that before. And I know you all would love to get to know me a little better.

I am the second of 4 children. I have an older sister, a younger sister, and another younger sister. Then I grew up, and I got married. Now I have a husband and a son. Hopefully, I will have many more children. I would love to have at least 6. Really.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Most people know us as the Mormon Church.

I was born and raised in the general area of Cincinnati, Ohio. Most of my life, I lived in a small town. I consider myself somewhat of a country girl. But, I've never lived on a farm or owned any animals bigger than your average dog. (Unless you count my husband, but he's generally very well behaved, clean, and potty trained.) But, I guess I have kept a love for all things nature-y and earthy. I am a self proclaimed hippy (minus the free love and marijuana). I love free thinking and independence. I also really love those floor length, flowy broom skirts that are so comfortable you could wear them every day of your life. I wish I had one.

I really enjoy painting. Especially when I get my inspiration from life altering events. I sing like a lark, and really wish that I could do it more often. Like most people, I love getting my ego stroked (so leave comments when you read my blog!) I really, really love writing. I have always loved it, and always dreamed of writing a book someday. I especially love to write things that make people laugh, and things that others can really relate to. I love to be crafty. I taught myself how to crochet. But not until after reading Knitting and Crocheting for Dummies, failing at learning, and thinking I was worse than just a dummy. It was sad.

I like to think I'm smart. I started going to college full time when I was a sophomore in high school. I ended up graduating a year early and getting my Associates Degree at the same time. Then I kept going to school. I was supposed to graduate with my Bachelor's of Psychology in May 2008. HOWEVER, my last semester was also my last trimester...and any woman who has been pregnant can tell you how well your brain works right about that time! Plus, I was definitely NOT interested in anything other than becoming a mom (i.e., passing my language requirement). Oh yeah, I also plopped down in a chair, stitches and all, to take that one particular final when Bug was only 6 days old. Needless to say, I was not qualified for graduation at that time. I am currently trying aprendar espanol so I can finally graduate.

When I was pregnant, I discovered that I was absolutely PASSIONATE about pregnancy and childbirth. I still am now. I love it all! I also love being a mom. There are so many great things about it all. Because I love to write and because I love parenting and because I love the Internet, I gave birth to this blog. I like trying to use tongue-in-cheek humor that other moms can relate to. Being a mom is hard work, it should be funny, too! Thus is the mother's lament!

Monday, February 9, 2009


My birthday is this week! I'm overly excited about it. And, of course, I am always trying to get more comments and more traffic on my blog. Soooooo.....I decided to do a free giveaway in celebration of my birthday! Lucky you!

But there is a catch: to win, you must submit (via comment) the funniest mother's lament that YOU have ever experienced. The winner will have their funny story posted on The Mother's Lamentations AND will win this beautiful, handmade (by a lady from my church), baby boy blanket.

The blanket has a crocheted edge, which, apparently, is all the rage these days. However, there is some bleeding from the red dye. I know, it's a totally lame giveaway. But, HEY! IT'S FREE!!! And you will get your story posted on my awesome blog! And who wouldn't want that!?

The rules: submit a comment on this post anytime from now until Friday at midnight (no matter when your midnight falls, I won't be up reading comments! So, even if you post really early on Saturday, you may still have a chance!) On Saturday, I will pick a winner, with help from my husband (meaning he'll pick the story he likes, and I'll end up picking something totally different). I will post the winner's story on Saturday. Then you, the winner, will have the weekend to get me your mailing address. On Monday, I will put your free blanket in the mail!

Wow! Just reading over this I realized that I'm such a control freak that I managed to make my free giveaway not even sound fun! Whatever...have fun, go crazy, leave a comment, 'cause my birthday is this week!!!!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Sick Mama

I am in the middle of a horrible cold. Let me tell you is no fun. Especially because Bug is also a snotty mess with a croup-wannabe cough. Of course, he still has the energy to destroy the whole house, and all I can do is lay on the couch or run to the bathroom when the gazillion cups of water I'm inhaling finally make their way through my body. We all need to get better...soon.

My birthday is Wednesday of next week. I seriously don't want to be sick on my birthday. I want to chow down on some delicious cake (rich, moist, homemade chocolate? Chocolate Tuxedo Cream from The Cheesecake Factory? Ice cream cake from DQ...because February isn't cold enough already, but I can't resist those yummy, fudgy, chocolaty crunchies!)

But, on the bright side, Bug is becoming good friends with the "nose sucker". You know, that lovely bulb syringe/nasal aspirator that all babies just LOVE. And I'm becoming good friends with my Halls Naturals menthol cough drops. They numb my raw throat, and that feels fabulous! And, I'm finally getting to use my lanolin! I have probably only used it for its intended purpose a couple of times. And I used it once to lanolize some longies for Bug. But, I've discovered it's great for when your nose starts to chap, because of all the blowing. (Maybe I should get myself a nose sucker instead!)

Oh, yeah, I also got called at church to teach Nursery MUSIC! Lalala! I'm not exactly excited about it. Especially since this cold is eating my brain, and thinking about singing makes my throat bleed. I probably picked up this dang cold from being in their last week anyway.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

And the winner is...

Last night, my husband found a booger in my hair. I'm pretty sure it wasn't mine.

Oh, the HORROR!

Bug thinks that diaper changes are the equivalent of being tortured in the 7th circle of Hell.

I'm beginning to think so, too!

Monday, February 2, 2009

A few of my favorite things...

Bug is so hilarious! He keeps me laughing all the time. Even when he is being a pill, it only takes one little giggle or babble to make me laugh. Just last night, we were laying in bed. I had nursed Bug, and I was sure he was asleep. He had rolled away from me, and I was glad to roll away from him to snuggle with the hubby. Not even a minute later, Bug rolls back over and starts laughing and playing. It was liked he had just tricked me into thinking he was asleep, and now he was having a great laugh about it! Crazy kid.

No matter how much Bug likes to keep me from sleep and my dear, patient husband, he likes nothing better than hair...except maybe paper. When I am nursing Bug, he plays with my hair, and his hair. When I am holding Bug, he grabs my hair to feel it, and to eat it. I swear, my hair is always wet, because he tries to eat it all the time!

Oh, but then there is paper. That delicious treat. He WILL find it, if there is any on the floor. And he will eat it. And he will cry if you take it away from him. One perfectly healthy day, Bug vomited. Upon my further inspection, I found a slimy, little wad of lime green Post-it stuck to the back of Bug's throat. And Bug's tongue was dyed green. Where and how on earth he found that, I may never know. But he sure loves paper.