POAS

Did I include this one on my acronyms list? No?! Oh, well...if you don't know what it means, it's Pee On A Stick. You know, the preggo test type of stick. I am seriously addicted to these things. I need to go to POAS-A. (That stands for pee on a stick anonymous.) I figured out...probably not soon enough...that you can buy tests from any old dollar store and save a ridiculously large amount of money. Yeah, have you ever wondered exactly how much an arm and a leg cost? Pretty much the same as I have spent on pregnancy tests.

Last week I decided it was time to get more tests, because I had been out of them for a month. And that is way too long. You see, I take a test every week. Because I'm still nursing Bug A LOT, I haven't returned to my cycles. I won't get that lucky "Am I late?" sign that I should probably go POAS. If I take a test every week, I will be able to know almost exactly how pregnant I am...if I actually ever am pregnant when I POAS. The logic is there, trust me! But, I didn't have any cash. And who the heck ever remembers the PIN number for their bank card? And there isn't a single dollar store around here that will just let me use credit. So, I submitted to the call of the pricey preggo tests from Meijer. Well, I really bought the cheap brand, but I got a box that had TWENTY tests in it! Oh yeah, I was set for 5 whole months!

The next morning, I got up with my husband to drive him to the bus stop, which I don't do every day...but that is totally irrelevant. Anyway, I was up and I WAS going to POAS, 'cause I had been having some crampy, moody feelings this past week...as always. But then I noticed that the box of "pregnancy" tests were really ovulation tests. DRAT!!! What a waste of money. And when we bought them, I saw the ovulation tests and thought to myself, "Self, make sure you don't get those, because the boxes look the same, but they won't work, and they would be a total waste of money!" Then my husband said, "Don't take a test today." Yeah, I noticed. Of course, he had noticed, too. (He thinks I'm pregnant just as frequently as I do!)

So, because I had the car for the day, I figured I might as well return the tests and get some real ones. I scanned through the HUGE receipt (naturally, it was the same day we did major grocery shopping) to highlight the tests and make it easier for the return, threw it all in a bag (a Meijer one, of course. Wouldn't that be horrible if I returned the tests in a Wal-Mart bag!?!) and jumped in the car. When I got there, I strolled up to the customer service counter, scanning, hoping, for a woman to be there. No luck. If you think it is embarrassing to BUY pregnancy tests, imagine how horrible it is to RETURN them (or something that looks deceptively like them), with a baby on your hip, looking frumpy and mom-ish, when a young, fat, geeky looking man is working the returns. Perfect. So I tell him I need to make a return, plop the bag on the table, and shift Bug to the other hip...trying to keep from turning red as he opens the bag to pull the box out. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "Ok, ok, skip all the chit-chat about how cute my baby is...I know, he's cute...obviously I know that or else I wouldn't be trying for another one. Obviously I'm trying for another one. As far as you know, I've already been successful, and that's why I'm returning this junk. And why are you even using the word "cute"? I didn't think that was a word men used willingly. Yeah, the one on my hip is still really young. Done?! See ya!"

Once I was done with the return, I headed straight to the tests to get some more...pregnancy tests this time. Gosh, it will be so much better once I get a positive test and I can just stop taking them for 9 months!